How Much Brandy Do You Need to Drink?

First, a disclaimer.  I’m not advocating drinking any brandy.  I hope you don’t feel misled.

The question comes from something I read by Michael Novak who, in describing some rather difficult conversations in which he was engaged, said, “It takes several cases of brandy before you can understand someone well enough to disagree with them.”  His point?  It often takes many conversations before we truly understand one another, especially when the topics are difficult and controversial. 

Here’s my version of his statement.  “Until you can explain the other person’s position with sufficient clarity and accuracy that they say, ‘Yes, that’s exactly what I believe.’ you don’t yet understand them well enough to agree with them, much less to disagree.”

Have you ever found yourself in a conversation where you seemed to be talking at cross purposes, each of you presenting your positions forcefully and confidently, only to finally realize you weren’t talking about the same thing?  Practically speaking, you could neither agree nor disagree because you were not understanding each other. 

Steven Covey famously wrote in his book, Seven Habits of Highly Successful People, “Most of us don't listen with the intent to understand. We listen with the intent to reply." 

The key word here is understanding.  The purpose of honest communication is always to lay the foundation for mutual understanding.  Imagine how a commitment to that kind of conversation could change both the tone and substance of much of what we hear today.  Naïve?  Maybe.  What if it would only change the tone and substance of our own conversations?  Still worth it?  I think so.