A few years ago, I was writing out remarks for a wedding where I would be officiating and casually asked Lynn, “what would you say is important for a happy marriage?”  She paused, but only briefly, and said, as if she had been preparing for this moment for quite some time, “Be nice (brief pause) Work it out. (another brief pause) Get over it.” Whatever I had in mind to write next faded in the light of her insight. I sat, silent, leaned back from my desk and thought, “I’m gonna use that!”  Not only did I use it, but those three principles became the main point of my remarks for the wedding – and more than a few weddings since.  I always give her credit. A wise move since she is often in the audience.

I’ve been working on all three ever since.  They’re simple which makes them memorable. They’re not always easy, in fact sometimes they’re just plain hard. But they’re always effective. 

Be nice? Not everyone agrees and I’ve seen few writers pushing back. They have a point. Being nice can be taken too far, leaving you open to being taken advantage of or in extreme cases even abused. If niceness is a strength, then, like all strengths, it can have a shadow side when it is overused or poorly expressed. But I would argue that without a strong measure of “being nice,” relationships will suffer, especially one where the parties are as intimately and frequently connected as in marriage.  Feel free to run your own experiment.  Try a few days of being generally nice followed by a few days of being a jerk.  Let me know how it goes. In the meantime, I’m agreeing with my wife, to which she may respond, “nice!”

Work it out. We know this, don’t we? But it still surprises us. Marriage can be wonderful, but it’s also work. If we didn’t already know it, we’ll learn it early in the relationship, sometimes even on the honeymoon. Relationships are hard and the most important ones are the hardest – because they matter. At first, we may feel it shouldn’t be this much work.  Is it really worth it? Have I made a mistake? Why is it so hard? But thin

gs of great value require great effort.  WWSS? (What Would Spider-Man Say?) – “With great power comes great responsibility.”  WWLS? (What would Lynn say?) “A great marriage requires great effort.”

Get over it. Sometimes you simply must move on. Trying to resolve every difference of opinion or smooth out each annoying behavior is exhausting. This is not “giving up” or surrendering.  It’s being realistic. We each have well-established behaviors and quirks. We see them clearly in others and they see them just as clearly in us. So, identify a few non-negotiables, your list of “must haves” and be ok with everything else.  For example . . . just kidding. I’m not about to name any personal examples.  I know you may be curious but you’ll just have to “get over it.”

So, there you have it.  Something of a Swiss Army knife for a happy marriage. Keep them handy and if you quote anything from this article, be sure to cite Lynn first!